Insecurities of a Housewife

Hey Y’all,

So, I’m finding it harder and harder to blog weekly like I told myself I would. Honestly, I don’t have a lot to say lately. I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or bad. It means that I’m settling in to my new home. It means that life is beginning to feel normal again. It means that I’m not always comparing the states and Germany to each other. It means that a routine has been established. With routine comes complacency, but also stability.  Boredom, but comfort.

This is the first time that I haven’t had school, work, or both to keep me busy. It’s an odd feeling to go from “I’m so incredibly busy and stressed that I don’t know how to make it through the week” to “Well, today I need to sweep and mop and do laundry, and tomorrow I need to clean the bathrooms.” I know, I know. I shouldn’t be complaining and really I’m not trying to. I’m just saying, I was at one extreme and dropped way down to the other.  It’s an adjustment. Everyone says, “Enjoy the fact that you have so few responsibilities and so much free time” and I do…sometimes. As a person that was raised to work hard, pay my own way, and always contribute I’m not used to not working hard, paying my own way, or contributing (monetarily).  I know that it is temporary, and in the future I’ll look back on this part of my life and miss the freedom that I have. I’ll kick myself for not doing more with my time, but that thought isn’t so comforting when you’re feeling the insecurities of being a house wife. “The rule is, jam tomorrow and jam yesterday-but never jam today” -Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

I know what you’re thinking, “Well if you are so worried then DO something about it for crying out loud!” Yes, I know and I’m trying. If you read this blog regularly then you know I’m reading much more than I did in the past. The other day Kevin and I got onto to subject of the books I’ve been reading and blogging about. He said, ” How many books have you read since you’ve been here?” The answer is 4 and I’m 64% through my 5th in the matter of 4 months. Before I graduated college I think I had read 6 books, for pleasure, in 4.5 years of higher education.  I starved my imagination for so long that I fully intend to commit one of the 7 deadly sins. I will be a literary glutton while I have the opportunity. I will gorge my mind on new stories and information because it’s just good for you. Period. Had you told me I would be saying this at the age of 16 I probably would’ve rolled my eyes, but 16 year old me still had a lot to learn about making me happy instead of trying to make everyone around me happy and hoping that it would rub off. Clearly, it doesn’t work that way.

For those of you who are thinking, “She is talking about not working and paying her own way. Why doesn’t she just get a job…?” Well, easier said than done, my friend. There are a few government jobs out there. Last time I checked there were 52 U.S. government jobs….in all of Germany. No, not 52 available jobs in my area, but the whole of the country. Not to mention all the ones that I don’t even qualify for. After I had narrowed down the jobs to the ones I 1.) am qualified to apply for and 2.) are in my location there were 4 job opportunities. One of them being an “as needed” position.  When I said a few, I meant it. But no, it’s not impossible and now that I have been here awhile I’ve realized there are more opportunities other than just what is posted on USAjobs.gov. With that being said, I plan on going back to the states over the summer for an extended period of time. If I lucked out and got called in for an interview, nailed it, and received a job offer today and started working tomorrow, I would work for 1 solid month. Then I would have to turn around and say “I hope you are okay with me being gone for a month or longer without a solid return date. By the way, thanks for the job! See ya when I see ya!” I’m pretty sure most employers don’t have a “take vacations when you please for however long you please because we honestly don’t care!” policy. But don’t fret, once I get back and things start settling down again you better believe the job search will be on like donkey kong.

I’m sure some of you are thinking, ” This girl clearly has no social life or friends. If she did she wouldn’t be so whiny.” First of all, I don’t appreciate being called whiny. Second of all, I do so! I have met a wonderful group ladies, in our battalion and otherwise, that have taken me in and include me so many fun activities. The best thing about living in a military community is the fact that most everyone has been where you have been. They know how you are feeling and they understand. Most everyone is willing to help you and they want you to succeed because they were you once before. If you are willing to reach out someone will almost always be there to take your hand. That is something that I need to remember for myself as I can be some what bullheaded from time to time.

Anyway, I started writing this blog not really know what it would turn into. This is has been on my mind a lot lately so I guess I just needed some blog therapy to get it out. Luckily, I know I have the support of my wonderful husband, family and friends, and my military community. What else could a girl need?

(I find it funny that I wrote about 1,000 words without even trying and 1,500 word essays in college were like nails on a chalk board to me)

Thanks for listening

Til next time!

-Camille